What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
No way!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.